Subtitle by -- mr0101
mr.0101@yahoo.com
@$# -- enjoy it -- @$#
This is DJ Suckaslam spinning it old school tonight,
inviting all of New York to forget your Y2K worries,
turn up your radio and help good old Chuck Brown bust loose.
Oh, yeah!
Bust it up, New York!
I feel like bustin' loose Bustin' loose
Bustin' loose in the evening
Bustin' loose can be pleasing
Talking about bustin' loose
Bustin' loose, to each his own
Hey, Leroy
Give me some of that horn right here
Give me some of that horn
Taxi!
Can I give you a ride?
The way you drive?
So how you doing?
You sure got a lot of confidence.
Ralph. Ralph Kramden.
Operator of this machine...
...and this machine.
Alice. Alice Gibson.
What's up, Alice Gibson?
So, Ralph Kramden, are you taking me to Brooklyn or what?
I'll take you anywhere you wanna go. Crown Heights, Red Hook, Bushwick.
I'll take you to the moon, Alice. Come on.
I hope you're not gonna lose your job over this.
So what if I do?
I mean, this right here, this whole bus-driver thing, this is temporary.
I'm an entrepreneur,
and this is gonna make me a millionaire.
Yeah. And when Y2K hit, you gonna need all that stuff in there.
- You think Y2K is gonna be that bad? - You ain't been watching CNN?
When every computer in the world shuts down on New Year's Eve,
that kit, plus a check or money order for 29.99,
plus shipping and handling,
is the only thing that's gonna protect you against total chaos.
- Wow, total chaos? - Yeah. I mean, you know, if I'm lucky.
I guess my dream's a little bit more practical.
Oh, yeah? Like what?
My own home.
You know, nothing fancy. Just a little place all my own.
You know?
No landlord or haggling with the super to fix the pipes or rent increases.
Just...
...my name on a deed and, well, some lawn chairs on the front porch
so I can watch my kids play ball in the street.
You got kids?
I'm playing.
Can't you feel it, Alice?
We're on the verge of a new millennium.
You need to stick with your boy, because I'm about to blow up.
I mean, you'll see, this job,
these empty pockets, this waistline, gone.
Yeah. One day,
I'm gonna own this town!
Is that what you think?
I own this town?
I just asked you to talk to the super about the pipes, Ralph.
- That's all. - Today?
The Mets are in the seventh game of the World Series, and you know this,
and you want me to think about plumbing?
Okay, so it makes a little noise, but so do you,
and I've learned to live with that.
Ralph.
Fine. But I'm not dragging the super into this.
I'm calling my boy Norton. He works in the sewers.
He knows pipes.
Yo, Norton!
What's up with the Mets?
- Today's the day, baby! - Yeah, buddy.
Oh, my God! What did you do to my baby?
I didn't do anything!
Never mind them, Ralphie. I got a new riddle for you.
- A man was born in 1955. What...? - Not now.
Alice wants you to get down here and take a look at these pipes.
- She's driving me crazy. - All right.
Don't come down that... That thing is gonna kill you.
He's coming down the fire escape.
- Hey, Alice. - Hey, Ed.
Come on, Ralph. A man was born in 1955.
Today's his 18th birthday.
How's that possible, huh?
1955 is not the year he was born.
It's the number of the hospital room he was born in.
Damn, you smart.
What seems to be the problem, Alice?
Listen, Ed.
I'm on it.
- He's on it. - Why does he gotta be on it?
- What happened to you? - Knock, knock.
- Morning, Kramdens. - Oh, hey, Trix.
- What you got there, Trixie? - I made French toast.
Alice, I tried this new powdered sugar,
TastyMeds, it's the one they give to the diabetics
right when they wake up from the coma. Ninety-nine cents.
A slight little aftertaste, but it's still good. Right, Ralph?
See? Trixie makes Ed French toast.
- That's because Ed's not on TrimSpa. - Oh, you got jokes.
You just a regular UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?
- I gotta get to these pipes. - Look, just fix it, okay?
Lt'll be good to have some peace and quiet around here.
- Yo! Yo! - Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Ed, what'd you do now?
They wanted me to fix their pipes.
- Not knock a big hole in the wall! - That's where the pipes are, Ralph.
If you'd just talked to the landlord like I asked you to in the first place...
That's a much better idea,
because I do my best work down below.
- Now, that is true. - I mean, I'm a professional.
People always call me and want me to work on their plumbing.
- All over the country... - Get out!
It's all right. It's okay.
Take the wife, leave the French toast.
Oh, man.
- See you at the diner, Alice. - Later, Trix.
Hey, Ralph. After work,
- we gonna watch that game... - Out!
Go Mets.
You are certifiable, you know that?
You ought to have your head examined.
I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States.
And you know what they're gonna find when they look in there? Nothing!
You know, I asked you to do one thing. One thing.
- You never appreciate anything I do. - You always go on and on.
- I can't take it anymore! - I can't take it anymore!
- You gotta go. Here's your lunch. - I am late.
- Hey, Tastykakes. - Yeah. Be careful.
I always am.
Stay out of the bus lane!
- Hey! - Vivek, my man.
The Mets are going all the way, Ralph.
- You'll do very well. - Oh, yeah. You know that.
Do you have a wager on the game tonight, Ralph?
Well, no, not exactly.
Let's just say I'm taking advantage of certain economic opportunities.
Or as my investment guru, Bart Roberts, says,
"Kick open the door, and opportunity don't have to knock."
Yeah, Bart Roberts.
Order up.
Girls, come over here. Come over here.
I have something to show you.
This is your new uniform.
- Oh, no. No. - You don't like it?
I like the neckline, the V...
The health inspector is coming soon.
We got to keep everything clean.
Now, I'm gonna show you something.
You see this?
And then...
- See, spotless. - Voilà.
- Yes. - Excuse me! I'd like to order.
Alice, please take him because I can tell he's gonna get on my nerves.
- Hi, how can I help you today? - Yes,
Alice, I would like an egg-white omelette,
and if I could get a clean glass of water.
Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here,
and that's about as clean as it's gonna get.
Well, what do you have that's similar to an egg-white omelette?
Eggs.
By all means, why don't you just bring me whatever's convenient for you.
- Do I need to take off my heels? - No, no. Not yet.
I've angered you. I'm sorry. It happens a lot.
- Alice, hello. - Oh, hi, Miss Benvenuti.
- How are you? - I'm fine.
- Hi, Trixie. - Miss Benvenuti, what a pleasure.
Please.
If you just buy my house, that will be pleasure enough.
Miss Benvenuti, you're selling that cute little duplex over on Hart Street?
Yes. I can't take the winters anymore.
Mr. Davis here and his company are thinking of buying the house.
Yes, we are.
So if you girls could just go and cook something...
- Ignoring you. - I wish we would've known.
We've been looking to buy a duplex for years.
I'm sorry, but my company's already buying this one.
Yes, we're not a company or anything, but we would like a nice place
to move into with our husbands, have a few little babies, a little Trixie.
- Everything's so expensive nowadays. - Yes, it is.
Kind of wishing you hadn't dropped out of high school, huh?
Still ignoring you.
So, Miss Benvenuti, how much are you asking for the duplex?
Alice?
Cool.
- Yo, Norton! - Yeah?
Let's go, Mets!
- Bottom of the ninth inning, two outs... - This is killing me right here, man.
I'm telling you, the Mets is gonna do their thing.
- Don't worry. - Cameron can't strike out this time.
I mean, what is he doing?
- Yeah, right. I know. - The guy hits good, you know?
Ed, the most amazing thing happened today.
- You have to listen... - Come on, baby.
We don't bother you when you're watching your stories. Let us watch.
- We got great news, though. - Not now, baby. This is the last inning.
- You have money on this game? - No.
I'm a businessman, okay, Not a gambler.
- Come on, Mets! - You remember Miss Benvenuti?
- Well, she's selling her duplex. - It's a huge duplex.
All we have to do is come up with $20,000 for the down payment.
- But she's only giving us two weeks. - Cameron grounds it foul.
- Swing the bat! - Wait, wait, you guys, listen.
Just listen, just listen.
Yeah, between the four of us, we already have half of it.
They've got 5,000 saved. We got 5,300, right?
Something like that, give or take.
- He's got a full count, man. - What are they trying to do, kill me?
What do you mean, "give or take"?
Ralph, you didn't take any money out of our savings account, did you?
- I don't know what she's talking about. - You know.
Maybe I went into our accounts, And maybe I took some money.
But then again, maybe someone has a birthday coming up,
and I'm just trying to surprise her.
My birthday's in eight months, Ralph.
Okay, maybe I got The dates mixed up.
She knows who the boss is.
- I know who the boss, baby. - Here they go. Here they go, man.
Make me some money, baby. Get this hit right here. It's for the marbles.
Three-two pitch. Cameron swings
- and sends it deep to left! - Oh, he got a hold of it.
- It's going deep! - it’s out of here!
Yeah!
Yeah, Mets! That's what I thought!
My baby! You know we don't have no insurance.
- Norton, gets up! The Mets! - Mets!
Yes, baby! We won!
What did I tell you? The Mets.
What did I tell you? I'm goanna show you what's in these boxes.
- I wanna see. - There's money in these boxes, baby.
Money, money, money. Money for anything you want.
Money for the house. Money for anything.
You gotta be fast on your feet to make it in this world.
When I'm the first one to hit the streets with this stuff,
I'm gonna make a fortune.
- What stuff, Ed? - Mets stuff.
Official merchandise.
Ralph met a guy on the bus Who gave him a Godfather deal.
Yeah, that's right. Godfather deal.
Never seen a Met fan wearing one of those.
No, that's a throwback.
It's gotta be in the other box. This is the wrong one.
You know we don't play.
- It's this box right here. - They just made a mistake.
- Yeah. - It's all good.
- Get ready, ladies. - Yeah. That's it. Cash-ola.
This is it. Here we go.
There it is.
Ralph, why? You know, you had to know better.
This would've been big money, baby.
I mean...
I was investing in your future.
Really? Like the time you invested $900 to market the...?
- The pet cactus. - Hey.
Couple of kids get poked in the eye,
get cornea colitis and ruin it for everybody?
- That's not my fault. - Oh, my personal favourite,
the velour fanny pack.
That's a man-purse.
And I was this close to getting Al Roker
to wear one on the Today show, wasn't I?
He sure was. He was this close.
- I was with him... - You're not helping, Ed.
Listen, Alice, we'll get the money for the house somehow.
No, we won't.
It's always gonna be like this, Trix.
Living paycheck to paycheck, hand-to-mouth,
never having anything to call our own.
But, no, you know what? Hey, it's cool, right?
Because most people in the world live like this, right?
I just didn't think it'd be so hard.
Alice. Alice, come on.
I know, from the outside looking in,
it seems as though I have a perfect relationship,
but the truth of the matter is that Alice and I don't always get along.
Wow, I never noticed that!
Look, man, she's mad, but she'll get over it.
She wasn't mad.
Mad, you do get over. Mad, I can handle.
I know how to deal with mad.
But the look she had on her face, it was like
she was disappointed in me. Like she didn't believe in me anymore.
And I don't know, if that's the case, then how do you come back from that?
Show her that you're sorry. Buy her ass something.
With what? I'm broke!
Look, check this out. I know a dude right now selling Cadillac wheels.
I'm talking about the spinners, the gold ones.
We ain't got no damn car.
- I also know a dude that sell earrings... - Norton.
Look, it's getting crazy out here. Okay, come on.
Let's go shoot some pool.
That's why I never like to brainstorm around you.
You're very critical.
Wait, now. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Why do you get to break? - I'll tell you why.
Because you broke last time.
No, no. You broke last time.
Know what? Fine. We'll flip for it.
Here, you call.
- I wanna flip. - Okay, flip.
- Okay, I'm gonna flip it. - Flip it.
- Heads. - No, I wanted heads.
- Well, tails, then! - I wanted tails too.
I got a big appetite for tails too.
- Just break! - I'm gonna do it!
You are the most ridiculous man I've ever met.
Maybe so, but I'm breaking.
Would you just shoot!
- That's on you, Ralph. - Oh, no, you don't, Norton.
- Hey. - Oh, it's on, baby.
- Ralphie! - Norton!
Where's my other hand? I can't find my hand!
It's right there. It's there.
Hold up.
No, no. I'm gonna go back in there. Don't hold me back.
How you gonna throw Ralph Kramden out?
- Ralph? - I'm gonna go back.
What are you doing? I was about to go back in there.
No time to play.
We got a major backup in the sewer system.
How come every time a toilet clogs, they call you?
I'm a specialist.
It's like being a brain surgeon or Spider-Man.
Spider-Man wouldn't have got us beat down and thrown out of no pool hall.
Come in, Trix.
- What do you have on? - You don't recognise my Ralph gear?
I got my loud-ass lime-green T-shirt that should've made us millionaires.
My 1987 leopard-print fanny pack,
complete inside with a baby pet cactus,
In case a brother wanna Get rowdy on the train,
Because you know how they can act up.
And to top it off:
The Rainbrella Kangol.
And you know I'll wear it 24/7 because rain isn’t got no schedule.
It's kind of sexy.
Come on, Alice, you gotta admit, Your man is trying.
Yeah. Yeah.
This is what I do, huh?
Right, right. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, yeah.
Yeah, baby, man! Come on, Ralph.
I know I smell a little stinky, but come on and give your man some love.
I'm cool on the love. Thank you.
- Can we go? - It's this way.
Come on, Ralph. I got something to show you.
This the scenic route.
- We're lost, aren't we? - Ralph, if you lay it out end to end,
The New York City sewer system Will stretch about 6,600 miles.
A city beneath the city.
And I got it all right here.
It's just around here, Ralph.
Check this out. It's gonna be worth it.
City beneath the city.
Damn! Mahogany panelling, velvet curtains. This is bad.
What I tell you? We find these down here from time to time.
Owned by some rich white dude before flying got popular, Ralph.
- Solid brass. - Imagine that.
- Rich enough to own your own train. - Well, someone's going to.
The city's auctioning it off. I don't know what for, though.
Who would want to own their own train car?
Norton!
- What is it, Ralph? - This is it.
- What's it? - We buy the train.
We put an engine on it. Slap some wheels on it. Maybe a new paint job.
I can get Alice to decorate. And we'll give tours of New York City.
"I'm Ralph Kramden, and welcome to New York and all the five boroughs."
You know what, Ralph? Those tours make a lot of money too, man.
- This is why you need me. - Yeah.
Sometimes you gotta take the long view.
- Yeah. - Okay.
So we won't be able to get the girls some little duplex now.
- All right. - But soon...
- Yeah? - We can buy them a palace.
Yeah, man, this is it.
Oh, yeah. This is the place where it's gonna go down.
Hey, I got another riddle for you, Ralph.
Norton, not now, okay? I'm assessing the room.
Look, look. Twelve o'clock, right there.
It's a fellow entrepreneur. I know one when I see him.
He's looking at our train.
We don't have the cash to get into a bidding war.
- We really don't. - According to my investment guru,
Bart Roberts, "If you know you can't compete,
you may have to practice deceit."
Now, that there is a very fine train.
- Ralph Kramden. - Hitako Kawakami.
Well, thank you, Mr. "Hikato Kamakwami."
There we go. This is me right here.
Well, for now.
But we are expanding to a more global approach.
Man, they must have dug in the archives for this old picture.
- What do you mean? - Well,
this doesn't look anything like the train they're selling.
No.
- You've seen it? - Have I seen...?
Of course I've seen it. It's right out the door.
Come with me, and I'll show you the train.
Sold! Two-thirty, lucky lady in the back.
- Next up, an off-site item. - It's back and to the left.
- A Pullman train car. - Train car?
We'll start the bidding at $1,000.
- One thousand dollars. - I want to bid!
- Do I hear two? - Two thousand!
Ralph!
Two thousand. Two thousand from the guy over by the door.
- Norton, stop! - Do I hear 2,500?
Twenty-five hundred for my friend who's going in the right direction.
- Three thousand dollars! - Three thousand.
- Get him out! - Thirty-five hundred!
- No. - Thirty-five hundred, going once.
I'm bidding over here.
Once, twice, three times! The train is mine!
- Sold! - Thank you.
I wish you would. I'm a purple belt.
America, America
You're so good. Why didn't you become a singer?
I know I should've, but I have acid reflux.
- You know that. - It's the competition.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice's friend.
My name is Trixie, and I don't like you.
Oh, stop, please. We got off to a bad start.
- I'd like to make amends. - It's about time somebody does.
You wanna live in the Benvenuti place, and I wanna own it.
We can all get what we want.
- Should I cut him? - Let's go.
No, listen. I'm developing 15 affordable units on that property.
I'll save a big, fat, sunny corner unit for each of you. I'm a fun landlord.
Fifteen units on that little lot? That doesn't make a lot of sense.
I'm developing the whole block, but I need her property to close the deal.
- I think he's crazy, Alice. Look at him. - Forget it.
We don't do crazy.
How's it looking, Lenny?
It's not bad.
I have four or five old engines back at the bus yard.
Drive shaft. Wheels.
I can turn this into a first-rate tour bus.
What'd I tell you? Lenny, the best mechanic in the whole MTA.
He said it. How much, Lenny? How much?
For Ralph, whatever it costs for parts.
And I get most of them for free, if you know what I mean.
We gonna be rich! We gonna be rich!
- What'd I tell you? - You said it.
You gonna be rich! Hey, Lenny, I'm gonna let you in on it too.
I'm gonna give him something.
Hey, Ralph, I got one question for you.
How you gonna get this thing out of here?
Lenny, it's a train, okay? We're just gonna roll it out.
We're gonna roll it out.
How you gonna do that when all you have is...
...20 feet of track?
You don't need...
You don't need track to roll a train out, do you?
It's 60 feet below street level.
It's gonna cost you a fortune to move that train.
Well, Ralph...
...look like you...
...Gladys Knight without the Pips.
What are you doing out so late, Miss Celestine?
I could ask you the same question.
It looks like I'm gonna be doing a lot of double shifts from now on.
Oh, really?
What's your poison?
Gambling?
Drink? Ho's?
Oh, no. No, no. None of that.
Just worked myself into a jam, trying to get along a little better.
Aren't we all?
Man, I worked four double shifts this week.
Damn, Ralph, we need to pimp some midgets.
Yeah, tell me about it.
- What was that? - I don't know.
Sounded like a big rat or something. Come on, let's go.
What are you do...? Norton, what are you doing, man?
- Get away from the Dumpster. - It's a dog. Oh, man.
Why would somebody do this to a dog?
- Ralph, give me some help. - What?
- I'm not coming near no Dumpster. - Ralph, give me some help, man.
- Come on. - Pull him out.
Look at him, Ralph.
I'm gonna clean him up, put him a nice little collar on him,
some rhinestones.
- Call him lggy. - Iggy?
Lggy's a perfect name for a dog in the 'hood.
Come on, don't get so excited, all right? We're not keeping the dog.
The super would never let us have him in the building.
I ain't got time for a dog anyway, Ralph.
The dog is not coming with us. Let's go.
Don't worry about it, lggy. You're coming home with us, baby.
Oh, boy.
- There's some leftovers in the kitchen. - Oh, it's okay, baby.
I ate already with Norton.
- I'm sorry to wake you. - You didn't wake me.
I couldn't sleep. I keep hearing barking.
I think somebody snuck a dog in the building or something.
I'm sure you're just imagining things.
These double shifts are killing me.
- Baby? - Yeah.
That house means the world to me. I'm not gonna lose it without a fight.
If we can't get the money by next Monday,
Mrs. B's gonna be forced to sell it to that idiot developer William Davis.
And, well...
I'm gonna ask my mama for the money.
What? Your mama don't have that kind of money.
It's $10,000. That's all we need, right?
Well, sure.
That's if I hadn't spent the rest of it on the train.
No, I was just kind of adding it up in my brain.
And...
Baby, you really should go by and see the house.
I mean, Norton's already seen it.
- Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna get by there. - Yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you.
I talked to some guys about getting the train out of the sewer.
- How much? - You don't wanna know.
We gotta get ahold of some cash, today.
Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, look at that, man.
Break money. Break money.
Come on, put some money in here. This is how we make a living.
Sorry to disturb you at this time, ma'am.
- My name is Ed. - And I'm Ralph.
And what a lovely home you have.
Help us. We can't see a thing.
Billy. What's up? It's Ralph Kramden.
How you doing? Vacation...
Oh, it's William now.
Remember I had loaned you $6? You got that?
The Brooklyn Youth Program is a program to keep
young little brothers like ourselves off the street, from stealing hubcaps
and breaking in your house while you're not at home.
Jeannie Lincoln. Remember we went on a date,
and it was supposed to be Dutch, but I paid?
- Two blind men and a dog. - That's a nice little sweater there.
- Hey. - Hey.
Yeah, man.
Throw a dog a bone. Throw a dog...
Wait a minute, motherf... Now, I want some money.
Now, wait a minute. Give me $5, man.
- Hey, come here! - Hey, what are you doing?
Get off of...!
Ed, you've gotta do something about this dog.
I told you I'm watching him for a friend.
Here, boy. Go get it!
When things go right with this house, we can get a dog for the yard.
- And name him Patches? - Or lggy.
Iggy?
I mean, man, have you seen the house?
It's got a back yard for lggy and everything.
Yeah, man. So Alice invited her mother over for dinner.
Her mama's coming? I better come over there
with my referee T-shirt on, then.
She plans on asking her for the money for the house.
Wait a minute. You done told Alice about the train money?
Oh, no.
It's been my experience that too much honesty
- can ruin a good relationship. - Yeah.
Look at them over there.
What do you think they're talking about?
Us, bad weaves, fake Louis Vuitton purses.
I mean, what do they always talk about?
Let's say the conforming interest rate
is 6.5 percent at one and a half points.
Does that leave us room for a two-one buydown?
I don't think you'd wanna do that in the first three years,
but we could always run the numbers.
- Look at them over there. - No, no, no, Ed.
What do you think they're talking about?
You know how men are.
They'd like us to believe they're talking about religion
or politics or economic injustice.
But you know all they really care about is...
Beyoncé is more peach-shaped.
Like the way Chaka Khan used to be back in the day.
Chaka Khan used to be built like a bleach bottle back in the day.
Yeah.
Hey, lggy.
Go!
Damn, that dog can run!
Oh, yeah. You better believe it.
Norton, that's it!
We race lggy!
How many years did you guys say you've been racing greyhounds?
- Eleven. - Six.
Eleven years, but six times over dog years.
- Right. 5 or 10 years. - Of course. Give or take.
- He got in it first. - Actually, I brought him
- Into the business. - Right.
- See, actually, we are brothers. - Cousins.
- Different moms. - Yeah.
My father used to train neglected Chihuahuas.
- Gentlemen. - And then...
It really doesn't matter.
What I do wanna know is how it is you've been racing
greyhound champions for six to 11 years
and I never heard of you.
Well, actually, I can explain that. You know, actually, we've...
The past few years, we've been racing exclusively in Argentina.
Yeah, you might've seen us on Telemundo before.
No, I didn't. I didn't know they raced dogs in Argentina.
Yeah, ever since the shah took over, you know.
The shah of Argentina?
Look, Mr. Kirby, we got a dog here who's itching to run.
How about this weekend?
This weekend is the track's anniversary derby.
Well, good. Sign us up.
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.
That's a $20,000 stakes race.
Twenty thousand dollars, American dollars?
What he is saying is that we don't normally race for such low stakes.
- No, we don't. - But we'll make an exception.
Oh, hell, yeah. We will make an exception.
Stop. No, no, no.
Well, kennel sickness has hit us pretty hard this week.
It's a very extensive screening process.
- Who's his sire? - What's a sire?
- His dam? - His damn what?
His lineage?
Are you talking about his tailor?
No, he don't wear clothes.
He's got a 10-inch inseam.
Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog. He's ready to run.
You've had some scratches.
- All we want is a chance. - That's it.
All right, I'm gonna give him a time trial tomorrow.
If he qualifies, he runs.
- That's what I'm saying! - All right.
- Who's his trainer? - He don't need no trainer, no.
He don't need no trainer. He's housebroken.
He needs a trainer.
Get Dodge. He's the guy for you.
You Dodge?
Hell, no. You got the wrong sucker.
Why, why? Who's asking?
We're looking for a trainer.
Why didn't you say so, man?
What are you, socially retarded?
What's up? The name is Dodge.
Hey, what's up? Okay.
- Who, Mr. Kirby sent you? - Yeah.
That's cool, man, because I'm a canine behaviourist.
I train, board and breed greyhounds.
I specialise in temperamentally unsound, psychologically unstable
genetical throwbacks. I do not pick up excreta.
And I run my facilities right out of this place.
It says here you sell time-shares in the Poconos.
What? Let me see that.
Oh, yeah, my bad. Wrong card, man.
"Lmportifications. Underage mail-order brides.
S & M fashion consultant."
You know what? We don't need cards, man.
We don't need cards. We're dog people.
We got a bond, a fellowship.
Hey, look at the dog. Look at him.
He seems really bright. Alert.
- What's his name? - That's lggy.
- I'm Ralph and this is Ed. - Hey, Ralph, Ed.
You carry your dog around on a rope?
You siphon gas out of a car. What's your point, man?
What? What, you...? That?
- Yeah. - You think I'm stealing?
Man, that's my friend's car.
Come on. We prank each other all the time, you know.
I siphon gas out of his car, he siphons out of my car.
Yadda-yadda, blasé-blasé.
Hey. Tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna train your dog for $500. Cash.
- I don't know. - You know what?
I'll let you think about it. Give you a moment.
- Don't worry. No pressure. - I don't know, Ed.
Does this guy look like a dog trainer?
What does a dog trainer look like? I don't know.
- But Kirby said Dodge. - Yeah. That's what...
- He said Dodge. - That's what Kirby said.
Okay. All right. Okay, we'll do it.
- We'll do it. - All right. Good decision, man.
Five hundred, cash.
That's it, baby. Let me check.
Hey! Hey, nice man-purse.
You mean this fanny-pack thing?
I got this off a homeless guy in the park for a quarter.
Some sucker made like a thousand of these.
Look, what are we gonna do about the training?
It's like this. Let me break it down for you, okay?
We're a partnership now, a ménage à trois, all right?
You put in capital, I put in the experience.
At the end, you get the experience, I keep the capital.
Is that cool? Great. Great.
The thing is, I like to work at night, if you don't mind.
During the day, it's just too crowded, you know.
Too many people, too many dogs.
So let's say we meet out back over there about 9 sharp?
- Okay, 9. Nine o'clock. - All right.
Remember, there are no bad dogs, only bad owners.
All right? Remember that. I gotta bounce.
Hi, Mom.
Somewhere around the third flight of stairs, I think I caught TB.
- Here. - Oh, a pie.
Oh, and a box of wine. That is so nice.
Don't get too excited. I'm taking back what we don't drink.
Just have a seat on the couch and relax, and I'll just pop a hole in the top
- and bring you a glass. - Table setting for three?
- Does that mean he's gonna be here? - He lives here.
Not for long, if Jesus would quit making movies
and answer the prayers of a righteous woman.
Hey, sweet face.
Hell, no! No, no.
- What happened? - You married a damn pervert!
That's what happened!
Look, baby, it was just a big misunderstanding.
Next you'll probably say you thought I was Alice.
Of course I thought you were Alice!
That's exactly what a pervert would say.
Woman, one day you are gonna push me too far.
The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer.
Mom, Mom, how about you go wash up for dinner,
because everything is under control here.
And I'll just deal with my little pervert here.
What is she doing here?
I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight.
- Tonight? - Yes.
No, no, no. Not tonight.
Tonight you can't, because...
...Norton and I have to go to the lodge.
The lodge? What are you, Fred Flintstone all of a sudden?
- The lodge? - Look, l... Woman, l...
I got somewhere to be.
That's all you need to know, and that's it.
I refuse to lose this house
over another one of your half-assed schemes, Ralph Kramden.
Half-assed scheme?
Let me tell you something.
This country was built on half-assed schemes.
I'm talking about real inventive stuff here.
Like the guy who came up with the thong, okay?
He was short on material and he used what he had.
I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight,
and I expect you, Ralph, to be on your very best behaviour.
Ralph Kramden.
Your very best behaviour.
Well, so far everything's edible.
- How about I get the entrées? - "Entrées."
You going to France for those?
Just one good swing.
What are you doing?
Trixie's coming home. I couldn't let her see lggy.
You can't leave him here. Alice's mama is over for dinner.
She's in there right now asking for house money.
So if Alice gets the check, and she tries to deposit...
Yes, I know. She's gonna know the account is empty.
That's why this meal can't go well.
How you gonna do that?
I know you're probably in there eating all our dinners.
Just don't make the same mistake you made last time.
When you hit plate, stop.
Oh, you're going straight to hell for this one.
Mother Gibson, that's free-range chicken.
What a chicken does on his free time is no nevermind to me.
This is way too much food for me. I'm on a diet.
Oh, here, take my plate. I don't have that much.
- Thank you, baby. - No, I wanted your mother
- to have the white meat. - I'm perfectly happy with the dark.
- Give me the white meat, then. - No, it's fine.
- No. Give it. - Ralph.
No, give me the white meat.
Give me the plate, woman!
Mama?
The chicken is delicious.
Ralph.
- Eat. - Yeah.
I've never seen you turn down food before.
So, what do you want, Alice?
You know what, I thought we'd wait till after dinner to talk about that, Mama.
And I thought you'd marry a lawyer. Apparently, we both thought wrong.
Oh, let me guess. Do you need money?
We wanna buy a house... It's a duplex, actually.
- With Ed and Trixie.
Well, you know, truth be told, buying a house is a big investment.
Yeah, that is the truth. That is the truth.
- And it hurts, you know? - I can see that.
Never seen you so torn up about money before.
We are putting in all of our savings, but we're still a little short.
- About $10,000. - Ten thousand dollars?
Who do you think I am, Weezy Jefferson?
God rest her soul.
But it's a beautiful duplex, Mama, with a back yard and everything.
Right near the diner, even.
So, what do you think?
You should've married Larry Filmore. He's taking over the funeral parlour.
Just give me some time to marinate on it.
That's fair enough.
Is something wrong with you?
You know, it's just that we've been so worried
about asking you for the money for the house,
and, you know, sharing a meal over it is just a beautiful thing.
- I'm ready for dessert. Anybody? - Yeah. Mama brought a pie.
And Mama's gonna go get it.
Mama's coming to the kitchen?
- Your mama's going to the kitchen! - Tell the truth,
you're on the pipe, aren't you, boy?
There it is, my famous apple crumble crisp pie.
I don't even wanna know.
Where do you keep the paper towels?
Oh, right up under the...
We don't have any. We... You know, I don't believe in that,
with the rain forests and everything.
You know, there's something really, really wrong with you.
- Where's the dog? - He's right there.
Look, we gotta go right now.
They said if we don't get there by 9, we can't even race.
Well, they're not gonna let me leave right now.
Ralph, what are you doing? Come join us for dessert.
Okay, babe. I'll be in there in just a second.
The pilot light went out.
He's fixing the pilot. He's handy.
How do we get out of here?
Fire escape.
Oh, hell, no.
Boy, you coming in here or not? My pie's getting stale.
Damn.
I got another riddle for you. What's lighter than a feather,
but yet the strongest man can't hold it very long?
Not now, Norton, okay? I'm trying not to break my neck up here.
Come on, Ralph. What's lighter than a feather...?
- Your breath. - Wow, you a genius.
- Ralph? - Almost got it, babe.
I'll be right there.
Are you sure this thing can hold us?
We come down this all the time, Ralph.
Oh, man.
Norton, you know I hate heights.
Come on, Ralph. You can do it.
Just chill, man. I'll help you.
I can't, man. I ain't gonna be able to do this, man.
Ralph, you're gonna get us busted.
Go slow.
Hold on, Ralph. Come on, Ralph.
What's the noise, man?
Come on. Come on.
I'm cool, right? I'm good.
See, Ralph? It ain't that bad.
Oh, Jesus.
- You see anything? - No.
Now, where'd that crazy husband of yours run off to?
You know, I think he said something about a meeting
at the lodge tonight.
Oh, well, that's more dessert for us.
Ralph, I gotta confess something to you.
- Just... Man, just hold on. - We gonna die.
I gotta get my life right with the Lord.
One day, I was coming down there to get some milk from y'all
on the fire escape, and I seen Alice naked.
I ain't lying.
And sometimes I think about it.
You...!
I forgot my keys.
Yeah, right.
Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
I'm having problems, okay? My wife left me.
All right, technically, she's not my wife. She's somebody else's.
But the pain lingers all the same, you know what I mean?
Duck, duck!
What you mean, "duck"? What's going on?
It's okay. It's all right. No problem. He didn't see us.
- Are we breaking in here? - We're not breaking in.
Why you profiling me, baby? Why you profiling me?
It's a competitive business. I don't want other trainers to steal my secrets.
Okay, fellas.
Dog racing is about show business, and the show counts.
And it starts the minute you walk your dog onto the battlefield.
And this is the walk.
Brisk. Brisk. Brisk.
Arms down, arms down.
Confidence. Don't be arrogant. Don't be arrogant.
It's not a tug of war. It's not a tug of war.
Watch out! Get the dog! Get the dog! Get the dog!
There you go. Good boy.
He's great, man, great. Sixty-five pounds.
Less than 4 percent body fat.
All muscles. Yeah.
You know, I had a French aerobics teacher. Leslie was her name.
Just like that, really flexible, except not enough soft places,
you know what I'm saying? Right?
Okay, for lggy to be competitive, he's gotta run at least a 32.30.
This is the moment of truth, fellas.
Ralph, Eddie, you ready?
Three, two, one.
All right, fellas.
We run into a couple problems. Nothing minor.
I gotta train his mind.
That's it, lggy. Relax. Relax.
That's it. Good boy.
Breathe.
Breathe. That's it.
You know, my parents find it really difficult to explain to people
what I do for a living.
Iggy, you are one of the most ancient canine breeds.
The Pharaoh's favourite. The Greek king's son.
You're a born winner. A born winner, boy.
Live up to it.
I don't know. I don't know.
Listen to me, pooch. Okay? I'm talking to you.
Nobody quits on Tony Montana, you hear me?
You're a dog. It's a racetrack.
You can win this thing.
Iggy, baby, you listen to me. I'm not who you think I am.
I'm not the best trainer in the world.
I started out with nothing and I still got most of it left.
They wanted me to get you pregnant by a pit bull.
Iggy, look at me when I'm talking to you!
Your dogs would've had little bodies with big heads,
just walking down the street like this.
You could have been a contender, but instead you're a bum!
You win the race, you get the power, and then you get the bitches.
Oh, yes, so many bitches.
All right, fellas, the dog's a straight-up dud.
What? A dud? Who you calling a dud?
You're a trainer. Train the dog.
- I've seen this dog move. - I've seen him move too.
You a dud. Iggy.
Were you drinking at the time, when you saw him move?
Lggy, it's not that hard.
Watch this.
Let me think about it. Let me just think, let me think.
I got it. I got it.
Why don't we Nancy Kerrigan the other dogs.
You mean hit the dogs in the knee?
No, just the back, the hind legs.
- No. - All right.
Too aggressive for you? Don't worry about it.
- Vitamins? - A little stronger than that.
It works for me. Nobody needs to know.
- They don't screen dogs. - They don't?
- No, no. - Nobody needs to know.
It's just between you and me.
- What'd you get? - That was fast.
Hey, nice lap, Norton.
Eddie. Eddie, what do you think?
I don't know how we gonna get this dog to run.
Check it out.
Hey, boss. Check that out.
You're impressed at it, ain't you?
- He's in. - Yeah!
Assuming you have all the proper paperwork.
You bring it to the owners' party here tomorrow night.
Not a problem, Mr. Kirby. We'll have that paperwork for you.
We will definitely have the paperwork tomorrow.
- What paperwork? - It's the dog's paperwork
documenting authenticity of line, license to race, proof of insurance,
membership in the Greyhound Association of Amer...
All the things you ain't got.
- We can get it. - No, you can't.
There's a three-week hold on the license alone.
- Damn. - But you know what?
Because you're my friends, I'll expedite it for $600,
- and I'll get it to you by tomorrow. - $600? No, no, no.
You already charged us for the kennel, the dog leash, $60 for Puppy Chow!
That was Pedigree Puppy Chow, man.
- Come on. - I got overhead. All right, $300.
Excuse me.
Are you the health inspector?
Look, nice and clean. Spotless.
No, no, no. I need to speak to Alice Kramden, please.
Oh, Alice is busy.
Excuse me?
Do you know who I am?
No. No. You know who I am?
I was born in a one-bedroom farmhouse
with five brothers, who I raised.
I was born in China 88 years ago in a Chinese rice field.
I served my country in Vietnam,
where I was a Golden Gloves champion three years running.
Before when I come, my English not good-looking,
but now I speak perfect.
I raised six kids. Buried two husbands.
And am on the lookout for number three.
Can I call you next week?
What?
- Mama, what are you doing here? - Oh, hi, baby.
I just thought I'd drop this off in person.
Thank you! Thank you!
- You're welcome. - Thank you.
Trix, we got the money for the house!
- I don't believe it. - I didn't think you would do it.
Well, I was sceptical.
But Ralph seemed so genuinely worried about it,
I figured maybe he's just coming around.
- Yeah, maybe he is. - Thank you, Mama!
Oh, you're welcome.
Once this is levelled, it will make a nice entry
to the underground parking.
Excuse me a moment.
Here to reconsider my offer?
I'm actually here to give Mrs. B some news.
- Some really good news. - Well, she's not here.
- Please share it with me. - I'd love to.
We're gonna own this place.
Yeah. Ed and Trixie upstairs, and me and Ralph down.
- Ralph? - Ralph, my husband.
- What? What's so funny? - I'm sorry.
It's just, you know, come Monday, you'll be trespassing.
Tell me this. If there's no money in her account,
then why is this waitress hanging around my property?
Sir, I told you. I checked. They have nothing.
No, they've got something, Chip. They've got something somewhere.
Find out what the husband is up to. Ralph Kramden.
That woman I was telling you about?
Her name is Marlena. She's Puerto Rican.
My God. I've tried to talk to her, but words won't come.
I can tell you a thing or two about women.
That's if you're ready to hear it.
It all begins with letting her know who's boss.
Very important.
Alice. What are you doing here?
I just came from the bank.
It's a funny story. You wanna hear it?
Let her know who's boss, Ralph.
- Look, I can explain. - Oh, can you? Can you, now?
I tell the bank I wanna withdraw $4,000,
and they tell me not only is our account empty,
but here's the punch line, we're overdrawn by $223.60.
The bank said that?
No, no, there's gotta be a mistake, baby.
Because I don't know nothing about no 60 cents.
Where's the money, Ralph?
I can explain, all right? But, you know,
taken out of context, it might sound a little crazy.
Try me.
Norton and I found a train in the sewer, see...
I want you out of the apartment, Ralph.
Hold on. Babe, wait a minute.
Listen. Listen. And then we got this dog out of the Dumpster...
I don't want to hear it! I don't want to hear it.
- I'm done. - Come on, baby.
Just 24 more hours, okay?
Twenty-four more hours,
and then we can get on to the life we both dreamed of.
And what life is that, Ralph?
You've always been so obsessed with your own dreams
- that you never bothered with mine. - How can you say that?
I want the house just as much as you do.
Then why haven't you been by to see it?
Because...
I mean...
Because you're selfish, Ralph Kramden.
And I'm done playing the fool.
Come on, move it, all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
- Go ahead. Be my guest. - The trouble is yours!
Luckily for me, man, I'm nearsighted, so I can date just about anybody.
I understand what you're saying.
Like, I'm dating this lady right now, she's about 40, 40-plus, whatever.
I don't wanna marry her for her money,
but I don't know how else to get it, you know what I'm saying?
You know, someday I'm gonna find somebody special
who's not gonna press charges. I'm telling you.
There he is. Finally.
Hey, keep it close.
- Ralphie boy. - Ralph, what are you wearing?
This is a A-list party.
You got D-list all over you, man. Look at me.
I'm wearing new underwear, even. Well, they're new to me, anyway.
Look, I couldn't change. Alice kicked me out the house.
- Again? - She found out about the money.
And madder than a mug about the house.
- It's serious. - Don't worry about it, Ralph.
Tomorrow, when lggy's in that winner's circle,
we gonna get paid, and the money will buy the girls the house.
Yeah, maybe you're right. You got the paperwork for Kirby?
I never disappoint, because I'm always on point, baby.
Then let's do this, man.
Ralph, they're not gonna let you in dressed like a thug.
What thug drives a bus?
Besides, where am I gonna find a suit at this hour?
Man, Ralph, you're looking real Temptation-like in that suit.
I know you ain't trying to jone, looking like the last Blues Brother.
Man, you look great, like a plucked sunflower.
Girls love flowers, man.
You know, I love all your stuff.
I really, really do.
What stuff is she talking about, Ralph?
I have no idea.
You guys are great.
Looking forward to it.
- What is going on here, man? - They must know we own lggy.
I'm telling you, that dog's a winner, Ralph.
- Whatever. Let's find Kirby. - Right, right, right.
You kill me.
Hey, Mr. Kirby. How are you?
Well...
I'm fine. I'm fine. Mr. Kramden,
that is quite a suit.
You dig that suit, huh?
It would suit you, but unfortunately I'm out of the banana. I got pumpkin.
Pumpkin? You didn't say nothing about no pumpkin.
Mr. Kirby, I got the paperwork for lggy to be in the race tomorrow.
Iggy won't be in the race tomorrow. He's been scratched.
- Scratched? What do you mean? - Scratched? Man, what the...?
I bribed the top people. I was in procedure
to get this through. Come on.
I'll be perfectly honest with you.
You see, my new friend over there has just paid a good amount of cash
to keep your dog out of the race.
Here we go.
Wait a minute. Who is this guy?
William Davis. I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
No, we haven't had the pleasure,
because if we had been pleasured, I think we'd have knowed about it.
- Better if you don't talk, man. - Davis.
- "Davis Properties" Davis? - That's right.
That's the one Trixie was talking about.
And you are...?
Ralph Kramden.
Oh, yes.
Well, it's just business.
Nothing personal .
How's it just pers...? It's just business?
And since our business is over, why don't you stay, enjoy the buffet
- and buy yourselves some drinks. - You wrong, man.
- Come on, Mr. Kirby. We got... - Boss, it's me. Boss, talk to me, baby.
That was a police move, man.
Let it go. Let it go.
- What do you mean? - Just let it go.
I'm sitting here like a rubber ducky, and you talking about, "Let it go."
Come on, let's have a little free punch. It's on me.
Lighten things up a little bit, because I've been thinking
and thinking and...
- And it doesn't look good. - And it doesn't smell good.
Them shrimps got me with the bubble-guts.
Look, Ralph. Ralph.
You can't be hating on Kirby, man. You can't.
He's a self-made businessman, just like you and me, you know?
He started out with $5,000, and now he's 2 or $3 million in debt.
You gotta admire that. Now, I ain't got no taste,
but I gotta admire that, you know?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ralph,
but sometimes the world is cold like that.
It is about money sometimes.
Yeah. It's about money.
Look at Kirby. If he thought for one second
he can get paid with lggy, we wouldn't even be in this situation.
I have been looking everywhere for you two.
- Come on. - What's going on?
- We're late. Come on. - Late for what?
- Who do you think we are? - Come on, Chang.
Everyone knows your yellow suit.
- Chang? - I'm excited to finally meet you.
How many times I told you not to call this number, huh?
Yeah. Why? Why you gonna call the cops?
Why call the cops? I was gonna be there.
I'll give you the money on Friday, right? Mom. Mom.
You were supposed to start five minutes ago.
Get up there.
- What the...? - Now, remember.
You're getting paid per set.
Okay. Go on.
Well, she said we was getting paid.
Go on ahead.
Hey.
- I have an idea. - What kind of idea?
Just follow my lead.
It's gonna be great.
Test. Testing.
Oh, yeah. This is great. This is great.
One, two, three. Oh, yeah.
Everybody follow me.
How are you, my man? Good seeing you.
This is some party, don't you think?
Beautiful people here this evening.
Hey. Listen.
How many dreamers, by a show of hands, do we have?
Where are the dreamers? All the dreamers?
All around there, there's dreamers.
I'm a dreamer.
Hey. The dog.
Get the dog.
- Right. I got it. I got it, baby. - Yes. The dog.
I got this one. Yeah, l... You almost got me.
Well, I, too, am a dreamer.
And I had a dream that my dog would race
on this beautiful track tomorrow afternoon.
But that dream just won't happen,
because our dog has been scratched due to financial technicalities.
Eddie "Left Hands" Norton, everybody. Wow.
What a surprise that is.
And you don't know the half of it.
But Eddie's beautiful music only underscores the fact
that my dog has been scratched.
Scratched on paper,
but not scratched in spirit.
Yeah.
And then... And this man, Dodge.
This is Dodge, our trainer, and... Come on.
This is Dodge and our dog, lggy.
And I know to look at him, sure, he looks a little mangy
and sickly looking and in need of a bath,
but I tell you, lggy's a special dog.
You know, we found lggy in a Dumpster.
Damn near dead.
Hadn't eaten in days, but like most underdogs,
lggy's a survivor.
Like Seabiscuit, Rocky, Destiny's Child.
All survivors.
You know, I guess I'm just saying this to say that,
Mr. Kirby, I don't know why you're not letting our dog
race tomorrow, but he's already a winner in my book.
And I'll put money on my Dumpster dog any day of the week.
- Yeah! - Any day, Ralph.
- So would I! - Me too.
You're not buying any of this crap, are you?
A homeless Dumpster dog, you're kidding.
People are gonna be falling all over themselves betting on him.
Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.
- If that dog wins, I'm screwed. - That dog will never win.
You'll see for yourself.
Mr. Kramden.
Iggy, he's in!
- Yes! - He's in!
Bet on lggy.
Bet on lggy. Iggy.
Excuse me. Excuse me. What's going on here?
Who are they? It's my piano.
Iggy! Lggy! Lggy!
Ralph Kramden, if you think you can just waltz in here
and everything's gonna be fine, you have another...
It's you guys. And that dog.
What's going on?
Ed's got quite a story.
He wants you to hear it.
- Hey, he won't be up there. - Who?
Dodge. That's who you're looking for, right?
Oh, sure, exactly. Dodge, yeah.
Oh, there he is. Hey, Dodge!
Dodge.
Hey. Hey, guys. What's up? How you doing?
You probably thought I was stealing his wallet, right?
Well, no. We're friends. We do it all the time.
Yeah. Lonnie. Lonnie. Hey, tag. You're it, man.
See you at the barbecue next weekend.
Damn. Look at you fellas, man.
You look macking, packing, black-a-doscious.
Your first race.
You know, if lggy wins that first heat, man,
we're gonna go for the real money in the second race.
Now, go up. I'm gonna take lggy.
I want you to go to the owners' booth, all right?
Go up into the box up there. Enjoy yourselves. Don't be nervous.
Get your popcorn.
Get your popcorn here.
Hey, popcorn.
- What are you looking for? - I'm just...
Where is that popcorn man?
She's not coming, Norton.
I know you tried.
- You my boy. - Yeah.
Yeah, man. It's okay.
- Should we go down there? - No. No, Trix, I'm not ready yet.
- Are you waiting to see if he wins? - No.
I'm waiting to see if he loses.
I know it'll kill him.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's post time for our qualifying heat.
- All right. Let's go, lggy. - Do it, baby.
Let's go, 6.
And they're off.
- Go, lg! - Go, go, go!
- Go, lggy! - Do it! Do it!
Stay inside. Stay inside!
The results of the qualifying heat:
- In first place, number 6, lggy. - Yes!
- With a time of 31.5. - We gonna get that money.
We on our way, baby.
- That dog is unbeatable. - Don't worry about it.
That was just the first heat.
The final is a whole different ball game.
That puts him in the race for the money?
Yeah. Yeah. Only Ralph.
Our future depends on a dog race.
I didn't... I didn't sleep with her.
I just loaned her 10K for plastic surgery.
Now I don't even know what she looks like, all right? All right. Peace.
Yo, fellas. He's as ready as he's ever gonna be now.
Come on, lg. We gotta review our strategy, baby.
Norton, it's a dog.
Ralph, stop hating.
I'm trying to get lggy to visualise his success.
Well, you get him to visualise going back to that Dumpster.
That'll give him something to think about.
I'm sorry, guys. Nerves.
Iggy's got this one in the bag, Ralph.
I don't know, fellas. I don't know, man.
This race is a lot tougher than you guys think.
Oh, man. There you go, hating.
Iggy is gonna... Them other dogs ain't... Damn.
That ain't a damn dog. That's a horse.
Welcome to the big time, fellas. Welcome to the big time.
Come on, lggy. If you win that race, you get this.
What do you think?
Let's not jinx him. Let's just see him after the race.
- After they win the money? - Let's hope.
Now, the featured race of the day.
The New Jersey Park Stadium Anniversary Derby
- for a $20,000 prize purse. - Go, lggy!
When you hear that bell, run like hell.
Go get them, lggy!
Come on, do everything I taught you. Come on.
And they're off.
Go, lggy!
Come on, lg.
- Come on, lggy. - Let's go, lggy.
Come on, lggy. Get out of there.
Man, he's in trouble. He's boxed in.
Run, lggy, run!
Maybe he needs his good-luck charm.
Come on, lg. Win this race and it's yours.
Oh, no. Norton.
No.
At the finish line, it's Bahama Mama,
Henry V, and Pavlov's Dog takes third.
All owners, please proceed to the clubhouse
for the presentation of the $20,000 purse.
What were you thinking, distracting him like that?
I was just trying to encourage him, Ralph.
You encouraged him, all right.
You encouraged him away from $20,000!
Ralph, stop yelling at me. He's gonna think you're yelling at him.
I'm not yelling at the dog. He's just a dumb animal. What's your excuse?
Ralph...
Ed, you know we needed this money.
Now Alice will never take me back because of you.
Ralph, calm down. I thought we were boys, man.
No, no. We're not boys. We're not friends.
We're not nothing. I'm done.
- That's the way you feel? - Yeah, it's how I feel.
And stay off my fire escape!
Come on, lggy.
Come on, y'all.
Alice.
Pet cactus.
What was I thinking? Shoot.
Yeah, yeah.
Learn and Succeed. Yeah, right.
Bart Roberts.
I was a sucker for ever believing in you.
I won't be a sucker again, though.
Kawakami.
I should have let you get this train, since you wanted it so bad.
Maybe you still do.
Don't burn up. Come on. Don't burn up on me.
If... Okay.
I might be able to take it off your hands.
Well...
...the price has gone up considerably.
I mean, we have to take into account my time,
storage, fees, shipping, postage, handling.
- You know, a lot of things like that. - What is your price?
- Twenty-five thousand. - Twenty-five thousand?
Okay. That was too much. Okay, 20,000.
Twenty thousand will be fine.
I'm gonna need a check right now.
- Hey, Larry. - Ralph Kramden. What's going on?
- What, are you in trouble? - Look.
Man, I gotta get to Q's Diner by 9 a.m.
- You go that way, right? - Not by 9 a.m.
I mean, look at it. It's, like, total gridlock.
Hello, hello, hello?
Hey, Q, it's Ralph Kramden.
- Alice's husband. Is she...? - Oh, no. She's not here.
No. I got the check for the house. I'm trying...
- Please, the health inspector here. - Health inspector?
Don't hang up, you...
I gotta get over there.
Welcome to your new positions in the New York City sewer system.
Today, you will join an elite group of dedicated
and dependable professionals.
You lucky few have survived a rigorous application process,
interviews and psychological profiles.
Actually, Ed, these are all convicted felons of violent crimes
taking part in a work-release program.
And since there are no questions...
I got one for you.
Two men are born five blocks apart.
They've been best friends for 30 years,
until one of them says some really stupid things he didn't mean.
How does he get the other guy to forgive him?
I'm not the one who's good at riddles, remember, Ralph?
Neither am I.
What are you talking about?
You know that book of riddles you keep on your coffee table?
I found it, got me a copy and memorised it.
You mean to tell me...?
Look, Norton.
Norton.
- Come on. Norton. - What, Ralph? What? What?
You always thought I was the smart one.
And if you ever stopped thinking that,
then I don't know what I would be anymore.
You really mean that, Ralph?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey, come on, Ed. Don't start, man. When you...
Why you come down here and make me cry
in front of all these convicts like this?
Stop it, man.
I'm trying to just say what I gotta say.
- Look, hey. - Yeah.
- Look, man. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying? - Do I have a tear in my eye?
No. You okay.
Look, this doesn't change everything.
We still have issues between each other.
Look. Okay. I understand that.
- But I got the money for the house. - You did?
But I gotta get the check to the diner before 9 a.m.,
and it's total gridlock up there.
I need someone who knows the city beneath the city.
I need a specialist.
I need you, Ed.
I got you.
But I have conditions.
Condition number one, you gotta start letting me pick stuff.
What are you talking about?
You always get to pick the restaurants.
You always get to pick the movies.
That's because if we let you pick stuff,
nothing would ever get decided.
Fine! You can pick stuff.
Second up, when we get around new people,
you have to start referring to me as "Edward."
Only you would pick a shortcut like this.
That's another one. You gotta stop making fun of me.
I'll admit, the way I do things is a little unorthodox, but that's me.
The way you do things is ridiculous.
Oh, I'm the one who looks ridiculous?
Yeah.
- That ain't even funny. - Oh, yes, it is.
We gotta go. Come on, let's ride.
Okay, Ralph. This is the big one.
You gotta promise to me that you will never yell at me
or get mad at me ever, ever again.
- Done. - Put it on your family jewels.
Put it on my family...?
Fine. I put it on my family jewels that I will never get mad
or holler at you again.
Good, because we're lost.
You...!
Family jewels.
So...
...Edward.
How do you suggest we proceed from here?
Well, there's two ways we can go.
Either that way or that way.
Why don't we let you pick.
Let me pick? That's my man. That's what I'm talking about.
Which way?
That way.
It's this way, Ralph.
- This should be it. Straight up. - Let's hope.
Hey, Norton, this is it! You my man, dog.
Ralph, what are you waiting for?
There's an SUV on the manhole cover.
You yelling, Ralph.
This way is blocked, and it's Davis.
Okay. Another manhole two blocks down.
- Watch it. - You think we're too late?
Not if she hasn't signed yet.
You don't have to read it.
Oh, glad you two made up.
But Alice isn't here, Ralph. She didn't wanna stick around and watch that.
Ma'am, don't sign that!
- That's no good. - That's good.
- Miss Benvenuti. - Oh, no. Don't put that down.
You can't stop once you've started.
It's... It's unethical.
I'm Ralph Kramden, Alice's husband.
- And... - Please.
Well, this is...
- Mr. Q? - It's a little wet.
It's dirty. But maybe we can blow-dry it off and do whatever.
But, well, it's for you.
I'll take the check as is.
- Okay, great. - Okay. Everyone just...
Look. I'll give you even more, all right?
- Thank you. - You got it.
But I don't think so.
I'd rather have my house remain a home.
Yeah. Thank you, Miss Benvenuti. Thank you.
- Thank you. - Thank you, Mr. Kramden.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
- Oh, no. Thank you. - You can't do this to me.
Nobody's doing anything to you.
This is business. It's not personal.
Miss Benvenuti, we'll be calling you.
All right.
- Ralph. - Just give me a second, okay?
Alice,
I've wasted so much time.
Made so many bad choices.
But there's only one thing I've ever done right,
and that's love you.
Baby, let's go home.
You mean the one we just bought?
- How did...? How did you do it? - Well, Norton helped out a little bit,
but no one deserves this more than you, Alice.
Baby, you're the greatest.
All right, guys. Come on. Quit your pissing and moaning.
The doghouse is not that heavy. And it goes in the back, facing east,
so it gets feng shui, you got it?
And, Mama Gibson, please don't drop another box.
I don't got insurance, okay?
You don't have no manners either, Mr. Eazy Dodge.
You gonna get into it with me? All right.
Ladies. Ladies, please hurry up.
We're gonna have a lunch break.
- And make this house a home. Amen. - Amen.
All right. Eat up, everybody.
Thank you, sweetheart. All right, now.
Y'all, here we are. Finally.
To our own home.
- Cheers, y'all. - Cheers.
- That's my man. - Hey, Ralph. Ralph.
I got a surprise for you. Let go. Let go. Let go.
Good boy. I trained lggy, man.
He's gonna be your dog servant. Fetch you a beer.
Get you a newspaper when you want.
Isn't that your train right there?
Would you look at that. A million dollars.
Yeah, Ralph. Isn't that your train?
- The one with the solid-brass trim? - Shut up.
What?
Oh, yo, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Ralph, you gonna watch the game later on?
Solid brass?
Ralph, you said you weren't gonna get mad at me no more.
No, Norton. I'm not gonna get mad.
No, I'm not gonna yell.
I'm just gonna kill you! Where you going?
Get back here and eat dinner.
Ralph, I know where there's another train.
- And it's got a bell too. - You better know
- where there's another train. - Come on, man. For real. Believe me.
You gonna play it dumb, huh?
We got the money too. The one he gonna win...
When he win that money.
America's youth through book clubs...
See, Ed here is a special child.
Hold on. Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!
Stop rubbing on his balls. Get out the chair, lggy.
Is that his balls? Oh, man. Why didn't you tell me?
Well, my father used to train neglected Chihuahuas
with Down syndrome, and then...
It's not that he has any kind of mental problem.
He just likes to slobber.
What do you mean, "Let it go"?
I'm here looking like a birthday balloon. You want me to let it go.
I'm looking like a bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Kumquat. Summer squash. A stick of butter.
Let it go? I'm looking like somebody's cracked teeth.
You look more like a piece of flan. Let's go.
- F**k you. Come here. - What did you say?
What's up? What's up?
- I'm Ronald. - And I'm Ernie.
- And we're the Isley Brothers. - And we're the Isley Brothers.